Un-Balancing Act

I went outside to sit for a while and stare at the tall pines out back. Word is they may come down soon and I will miss them. The thing about these gorgeous trees is that they are such a threat under the wrong conditions. But then again, isn’t everything.  Tall longleaf pines are a key ingredient to the magic potion of this beautiful landscape in Northwest Florida. Their lives seem to be one big growth spurt. They grow from skinny little twigs to what appears as a statuesque and sturdy trunked monument in just a few years. Lining the byways of this region are generations of these trees. Driving past their forests, sunlight peeks through slivers of talk barky stalks. I am reminded of a hand drawn flip book. Each glimpse between the trees depicts the next drawing, flipping quickly to show this living scenery. At the top of this frame, wider gaps allow a peek at what lies beyond - sun, water, sky. The bottom of this frame is cluttered with new growth from a rich earth rejuvenated by p...

I often remember driving in his car. The speed and the teenaged love intoxicated me. A nylon seat belt created an embrace across my heart, connecting me to the steel of the car. My body heated, clinging to the seat in acceleration, then jerking with each intentional shift. I watched his hands which were usually divided between the steering wheel and the shifter. I watched his legs covered in faded Levi jeans marching with the rhythm of the clutch and gas. It was a Nissan Sentra.  There wasn’t a place I didn’t want to go in that car. Freedom. To Blockbuster we went, for the latest in VHS entertainment. We watched movies sitting close with our innocent flesh radiating through clothes purchased for us by our mothers. At my house we had company - siblings and parents depending on the movie choice and time of night. At his house we watched in a private basement. I remember there, being secluded with just the light of the tv and our young love, we often became distracted during movies. T...

There comes a time when I have to admit to myself that I like starting over. The finish line feels good, but it is a climax following months of milestones. The victories achieved on the journey are sweet. Along the way I have found myself derailed. Discipline seems to be the easiest thing to blame. Self discipline is the only kind at play here. There is no one here to punish me except the world in the largest sense, and myself in the most realistic sense. Punishing myself is a sort of specialty. If I do not achieve I simply remain stagnant and that could be ok. If I fail or fall I could lose material things. But that is just a perception. A medal or trophy truly means nothing. Money means nothing. It is the sense of satisfaction and personal success that is the ultimate measure in some ways. It is the legacy of what is left behind in others that makes an accomplishment successful. Every day is the chance for a fresh start. When I decide it is day 1, I feel alive. When I get back up off...

You’re in a relationship for a long long time. You end it and vow to never date again. 2 years later you change your mind. Now what? There was a time not long ago that every guy I saw grossed me out. These were the after effects of a traumatic and abusive relationship in which my self worth was diminished and ability to trust anyone ever again nearly demolished. Well...apparently my libido has come out of hibernation and I’m suddenly objectifying almost every man I see... in my mind of course not in an outward disrespectful way. I live a fairly isolated life in a suburban community, working from home and spending most of my time with my family, rather than mixing and mingling with other singles. After all why would I position myself to mix and mingle when I was all but dead inside? Out of curiosity and lack of other options I hit up the App Store and downloaded all the swipeable things. Let the adventure begin. All swipes were to the left in the beginning. My stomach turned at the id...

I live in a curious, thought inspired bubble, where I practice the art of shutting out unnecessary negativity and acting as a positive influencer on those around me. I aim to be happy and make those around me feel warm and positive. Despite all of my best efforts there are times where worry does rear its ugly head into my atmosphere of peace. In my first 38 years of life I waffled between constant planning in avoidance of any potential disruption (sadness, pain, injury, loss - you name it) and constant worry about my lack of power over the unknown.  After a careful reflection on the experiences in my life to date - many of which I worried powerlessly over at some point - I shifted my gaze toward the sun and acknowledged that I am a survivor. Not every person gets the opportunity to rescue someone from a burning building in his or her lifetime, but every person faces challenges that require us to put our worry aside, be in the moment, and make clear decisions. If you have a family...

The night trying too hard almost killed me. The evening started as a success. Thousands of dollars were being spent with each paddle's rise, benefitting a charter school on the island. On the microphone a local, well-liked politician energized the group with his beaming smile and rhythmic descriptions of items up for bid. Wine flowed endlessly, poured by the smiling staff hustling around the tent to ensure glasses remained full. Alcohol is a good fund-raising lubricant. The team of servers kept close watch on our table especially. At our table, their boss, my partner, was keeping close watch on the execution of this important evening. The auction ended and as we all dispersed from our seats to congratulate our table-neighbors on their winnings, my partner approached me quickly. His hand firmly grasped my empty arm (as the other was holding a wine glass) and he told me we were leaving. I was confused at first but as he began to describe the flaws in service he noted during the...

How long does it take before you can really say a person affected your life? Does it take one year, one decade, or just one hour? A few months ago I walked into the office of Suzette DeJarnette and in her first sentence I was affected. "Hello, I am Sharon Vaughn. How are you today?" I asked this question in my usual first-meeting, sales-girl voice. As she was to counsel me on my deepest thoughts and issues I naturally assumed the enthusiasm of her response would reflect all the happiness she wanted me to find following our time together. "I'm medium today,"  Suzette replied honestly and instantly informed me of her credibility. Though I enjoyed her honesty I also I admit to being nervous. In my new-found pursuit for authenticity, I feared I would not have the luxury of filtering myself to gain a favorable judgement from her. But it (and she) was all just what I needed. Our hours together were short and memorable. She was an original feminist, a straight shoote...

“...Authenticity can lead to life satisfaction, but...life satisfaction does not lead to authenticity.”  (From The Benefits of Being Yourself: An Examination of Authenticity, Uniqueness, and Well-Being by Abigail Mengers) My true identity has for years been protected by a carefully crafted armor. I believed it was protecting my sensitive feelings from judgement and ridicule, but this armor was really designed to protect me from my own self judgement. When decisions cannot be explained or justified, add another layer. When control over my own circumstances has been unwillingly relinquished, add another layer. But, when my heart was broken, a crack in this armor appeared. A pressure valve opened up and what started coming out from those cracks was only vaguely familiar to me. I started smiling at strangers again. I made and kept commitments to myself and my family. I reconnected with people I had long neglected for fear they would bust me on my inauthenticity.  While I bla...

I have been there a hand full of times... having a great night out, beverages flowing and big smiles punctuated with glazed eyes all around me. Stumbling up to the bar my eyes squint with the realization the lights have just come on. "Last call!!" I am feeling an internal cocktail of relief and annoyance. Who are these people to say the party is over?? I protest, learning that once the lights are on, there is no bargaining. Somehow I make it home and fall asleep in my dress with one heel on. Before I know what happened my mascara is leaving its mark on my pillow. The next morning I vow never to drink again... until the next night like this one! While memories of mornings like these aren't my proudest moments, they highlight the universal truth that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Sure, the bartender just wanted to close his drawer for the night and go home or have his own fun - but what he really did was let us all know that we didn't need any more drinks. After recently processi...

After the fog of starvation, too much wine, and heartbreak subsided, I began to see my new life without a partner as something very full and rewarding rather than something empty and lonely and hopeless. The fears and insecurities that kept me in a very toxic relationship for eight years disappeared.  No longer bound by the censorship that filtered every twisted reality into something worthy of a thumbs up, the freedom of honesty prevailed and I embraced the truth that I was in complete control of my future. The past was a school, and the future was the gift I gave myself by making the choice to leave. Day by day the new choices I have made with myself in mind have given me freedom. In the past 8 years things that seem mundane to a healthy normal person caused anxiety in me. I was anxious if toward the end of the day my nail polish was chipped and my significant other might arrive home before I had the chance to manicure. Before a hello or a hug, I would hear once again, ...

It was almost 4 months ago now. “The Breakup”. It felt life-shattering, irreversibly damaging, and as bad as any tragedy I had ever experienced. It was dramatic and traumatic. It was something out of a romance turned horror film. It started with a suspicion and ended on vacation. In a blur of nausea, starvation, and sobbing, I spent my last 48 hours in Puerto Vallarta in disbelief, thinking I might die of heartbreak. Four months later while I still feel a sense of loss (mainly of time) I also feel I have gained much more. Maybe it is what I re-gained. The opportunity to be me. The chance to smell roses and meander rather than constantly running. Regaining my self confidence, self control, self worth. Regaining my security. Rediscovering my love for the world and releasing my discontent. As a master of the “all or nothing” method of loving someone, I martyred myself for what I thought was the benefit of my relationship. I blinded myself from any possibility that it would not wor...

It finally happened. I was just foreshadowing a conversation with someone, anticipating the person asking me how I've been and perhaps answering, "I've had a lot of shit going on." It was that statement that caused a lump to rise in my throat. In truth, yes I have had a lot of shit going on. But I handled those things like a champ. Sure I had the momentary meltdowns involving a day in bed and too much wine... But I got up and handled business one thing at a time until I conquered those challenges. Maybe I am quick to respond with the  tale of woe because I normally have a hard time patting myself on the back. It's not often in any situation that I allow myself to reflect on positive results that were solely achieved by my own actions. I think it's time for me to respond more realistically - "there's nothing I can't handle!" Or maybe "real life has its challenges but I'm blessed with the fortitude to conquer them!"  I wil...

I've already admitted to being inconsistent. I can't stay on a diet, don't keep in touch with people, and live in a generally disorganized world of chaos. I like it that way. It's an emotional roller coaster that I simultaneously question and realize I create for myself. Sorry to all of the licensed psychologists that won't be getting my co-pay because that was just too easy for me to figure out on my own! Dare I put in black and white what I am feeling right now? For fear of dooming my mission and sabotaging my goal I have been careful not to say too much. In exactly one week I will embark on a 13.1 mile journey to a very important personal success. This will commemorate not only the emotional and physical challenges I will have overcome to reach this point but also the milestone (pun intended) of completion. I could be awarded with the title of "mom with most ideas and least follow through" or "writer with most unfinished blogs". This momen...

It's the one thing about me that I would change despite my claims that one should not live with a rear view mirror. Just as with this blog I live my life in a flux between consistency and inconsistency. I am always authentic and sometimes more thoughtful than others, but it varies. A few weeks ago someone very beloved to me nearly died. What a reminder of the importance of stating your feelings and gratitude that was! When you have no rear view mirror you can not look back and say how much more you wished you called a person - or how you wish you hadn't wasted time being angry with them. When that person wakes up from their scare, if they do, they will probably only care that you were by their side at that moment. That's probably all you should care about too. It's a new opportunity to look forward. So many people don't get that chance. Because of my self proclaimed lack of consistency I can use this imaginary world along with my calendar to keep me honest. ...

There's a running joke in my house, one maybe only I find funny despite the truth behind it. I take photos of my dogs and food and treetops and child. I change my Facebook status when something comes to mind. I sometimes tweet and sometimes Instagram... And I write this secret blog. I tell my family that I want to be able to look back someday when I forget everything, and see & read those moments I once found worthy of documenting. It can be as normal as a trip to the farmers market. The point is that I see this in my future, forgetting, and I want to be able to feel the normal perfect silly things that filled my daily life.  I've forgotten things on purpose. I've forgotten things accidentally. I have felt ashamed and spiteful. I don't know how I will feel once I really do begin forgetting. Maybe there is something I can do to prevent it though I see it as inevitable. Until then I will continue to fill my activity log with the passing thoughts and likes and ...

I am celebrating a major accomplishment. All of my life I have struggled with completion. College, marriage, books, blogs.... lots of stuff. I have just reached one of the first completion milestones of my life! There are pros and cons to this statement. The pros are the sense of accomplishment, pride, and satisfaction. The con is the realization that this accomplishment took less than 31 minutes. I like to focus on the positive and see this as me turning over a new leaf in adulthood. Last week I reached a goal associated with my new running habit. After many tries, showing up to races and leaving before the gun, running and walking, stopping and starting... I did it: 5K on Thanksgiving morning. It's not a marathon, it's not a triathlon... why do I do that? Why do I stop patting myself in the back only to give myself a lashing for no good reason. I don't suppose I need a trophy simply because I woke up this morning and wasn't a total lazy ass, but where is the fine li...

A week ago I was wavering. I felt like giving up. The practicing of what I was preaching was getting harder. It's not like me to reach out for support, or to make "cries for help" but that's what it finally took for me to keep going. Four days off from running was translated as a sign that I was just done. Maybe the luster was lost and I did what I came to do - so hang up the special foam sneakers and stop making the athletic section the first stop in the department store. It's over. But somewhere in my guts between my heart and my stomach there was still this little twinkle. It was like a little seed of adrenaline remained trying to keep the greater flame alive. But I needed more. So what does any self respecting person do these days when they need a platform to out themselves of whatever shameful thing they can't bare to speak aloud: post it to facebook! One of the few colleagues I happen to be connected with on Facebook answered my call via an email. I...