“...Authenticity can lead to life satisfaction, but...life satisfaction does not lead to authenticity.” (From The Benefits of Being Yourself: An Examination of Authenticity, Uniqueness, and Well-Being by Abigail Mengers)
My true identity has for years been protected by a carefully crafted armor. I believed it was protecting my sensitive feelings from judgement and ridicule, but this armor was really designed to protect me from my own self judgement. When decisions cannot be explained or justified, add another layer. When control over my own circumstances has been unwillingly relinquished, add another layer. But, when my heart was broken, a crack in this armor appeared. A pressure valve opened up and what started coming out from those cracks was only vaguely familiar to me. I started smiling at strangers again. I made and kept commitments to myself and my family. I reconnected with people I had long neglected for fear they would bust me on my inauthenticity. While I blamed the need to censor and change myself on the need to feel connected and accepted - to a boyfriend, a peer, another mom in school, I have learned it has actually disconnected me from the world completely. My true heart was in hibernation.
Just as Abigail Mengers pointed out in her study, I was so wrong hoping that creating an image of myself which I thought was acceptable would lead me to happiness. I had to crack my shell - to fall apart and begin to expose myself in order to understand a feeling of unshackled, liberating elation. And while being authentic is far less exhausting than living a contrived life built around protecting an idea, it can carry it’s own challenges. Unprogramming myself has come with some feelings of doubt, insecurity, and shame. I wonder if the people who accepted the armored me will accept the real me. I have feelings of regret for not representing my true character for so long. But being real has gotten me through those moments. When I am sad I can cry. When someone offers their shoulder I can accept. I say what is on my mind. I follow my dreams. I don't pretend to like small talk. I get a little too drunk if that is what I want to do and when something is funny I can laugh - LOUD!
Life can be traumatic, but it is too short to live it under a coat of armor. I am going to get completely naked - expose myself for who I truly am, get on stage and sing my song at the top of my lungs. When I am done, my only apology will be that I did not do it sooner.