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Shaving Above The Knee


After the fog of starvation, too much wine, and heartbreak subsided, I began to see my new life without a partner as something very full and rewarding rather than something empty and lonely and hopeless. The fears and insecurities that kept me in a very toxic relationship for eight years disappeared.  No longer bound by the censorship that filtered every twisted reality into something worthy of a thumbs up, the freedom of honesty prevailed and I embraced the truth that I was in complete control of my future. The past was a school, and the future was the gift I gave myself by making the choice to leave.

Day by day the new choices I have made with myself in mind have given me freedom. In the past 8 years things that seem mundane to a healthy normal person caused anxiety in me. I was anxious if toward the end of the day my nail polish was chipped and my significant other might arrive home before I had the chance to manicure. Before a hello or a hug, I would hear once again, "Didn't you have time for a manicure?" I couldn't say "No, Chris. I spent the day working in my full time career, home schooling Josh, doing laundry and preparing your dinner while helping you with the budget spreadsheets you are too dumb to understand." I made excuses for myself while apologizing for clearly not living up to his expectations. I thought about defending myself but if I did I was told to "Stop running my mouth". Fear, anxiety, and shame cloaked my life. I looked forward to date night as a chance to connect - to find a deeper opportunity to connect, until the usual "Is that what you're wearing?" and of course there were the darker comments about my weight, or how tired I looked. But all of that is behind me now.  I re-decided. Re-decided what was important to me, who I wanted to be, and where I wanted to concentrate my love.

I donated the clothes and shoes that were only a representation of what he wanted me to be, cancelled the Direct TV, replaced items in the fridge with things I enjoy, went weeks without a manicure, parted my hair in the middle, started singing loud in the shower, and unless I was planning to wear a bikini - I stopped shaving above the knee. This doesn't mean I stopped caring about myself or how I look completely. I simply hit the reset button, so I could know for sure when I chose to do these things, it was because they make ME happy - not because I was trying to be "good enough" for someone else.
 
Letting go of worry and fear allowed me to heal. My expectations were of health and wholeness rather than that of another's acceptance. My only fear became going back to the place where I no longer existed. Losing the voice I always claimed to have. Now since I am in control, the only fear I have is letting myself down. My ultimate goal is to release that fear and embrace my mistakes in a productive way - rather than owning them to a fault and allowing them to define me. 

Although I have no intentions or desire to enter into a new relationship any time in the near future, I am still a romantic at heart - I LOVE love. But there's something to be said for laying diagonally across the bed, having the whole bathroom counter to myself, and of course, not having to shave above the knee.

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