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#onwardandupward


It was almost 4 months ago now. “The Breakup”. It felt life-shattering, irreversibly damaging, and as bad as any tragedy I had ever experienced. It was dramatic and traumatic. It was something out of a romance turned horror film. It started with a suspicion and ended on vacation. In a blur of nausea, starvation, and sobbing, I spent my last 48 hours in Puerto Vallarta in disbelief, thinking I might die of heartbreak. Four months later while I still feel a sense of loss (mainly of time) I also feel I have gained much more. Maybe it is what I re-gained. The opportunity to be me. The chance to smell roses and meander rather than constantly running. Regaining my self confidence, self control, self worth. Regaining my security. Rediscovering my love for the world and releasing my discontent.

As a master of the “all or nothing” method of loving someone, I martyred myself for what I thought was the benefit of my relationship. I blinded myself from any possibility that it would not work – that there was anything I could not “fix” singlehandedly, just by giving this person more love than humanly imaginable. Not much was required of them, other than loyalty. Over a period of 8 years this martyrdom deteriorated my own sense of self, making me almost completely absent from my own thoughts or cares. I saved nothing, including the relationship.  It was a couples counselor who sat before me like the great Oracle, and this perfect stranger reminded me that I should not accept what I was getting. She did not know me but she seemed to care about my worth more than I did. I could no longer be blind, I had no choice but to acknowledge that I could not fix this, and move on.

And now I have… moved on. In the rear view it all seems so beautiful – as though I got the second chance (maybe the third) I wouldn’t have had allowed me to fix things. The road before me is wide open. I made a job change that I would never have had the confidence to make, I am living completely independently, and most importantly I am able to proudly say my teenaged son is my number one and only priority in the world and I will never – NEVER let anyone come between me and that priority. I am truly happy. I am nervous and full of butterflies in the best way possible. I am free.

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