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Butterflies or bees

I've already admitted to being inconsistent. I can't stay on a diet, don't keep in touch with people, and live in a generally disorganized world of chaos. I like it that way. It's an emotional roller coaster that I simultaneously question and realize I create for myself. Sorry to all of the licensed psychologists that won't be getting my co-pay because that was just too easy for me to figure out on my own!

Dare I put in black and white what I am feeling right now? For fear of dooming my mission and sabotaging my goal I have been careful not to say too much. In exactly one week I will embark on a 13.1 mile journey to a very important personal success. This will commemorate not only the emotional and physical challenges I will have overcome to reach this point but also the milestone (pun intended) of completion. I could be awarded with the title of "mom with most ideas and least follow through" or "writer with most unfinished blogs". This moment could represent proof to MYSELF that I am capable of starting AND finishing.

Even typing that last sentence my gut is fluttering and burning... Not just because I woke up too early and am ready for breakfast! It is such an exciting prospect, and yet equally terrifying! I want to focus on those pretty little butterflies and the very good likelihood that I will be celebrating with champagne and Epsom salts next week... but my pattern of self destruction is instead reliving the nightmares of being in the bathroom when the race starts or deciding to stop midway through. The real possibility of race day anxiety leaves me feeling I could show up and walk away like I have many times before. Not this time with my accountability partners and life partner cheering me on... Not this time with all the pressure... Not this time with the real potential of having one of the greatest feelings of accomplishment in my adult life. Not this time because I am doing this for me.

Whether they be butterflies fluttering with excitement or been buzzing with fear I can do this. I will. 
Location: Rio Vista Fort Lauderdale

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