Consistently Inconsistent

It's the one thing about me that I would change despite my claims that one should not live with a rear view mirror. Just as with this blog I live my life in a flux between consistency and inconsistency. I am always authentic and sometimes more thoughtful than others, but it varies.

A few weeks ago someone very beloved to me nearly died. What a reminder of the importance of stating your feelings and gratitude that was! When you have no rear view mirror you can not look back and say how much more you wished you called a person - or how you wish you hadn't wasted time being angry with them. When that person wakes up from their scare, if they do, they will probably only care that you were by their side at that moment. That's probably all you should care about too. It's a new opportunity to look forward. So many people don't get that chance.

Because of my self proclaimed lack of consistency I can use this imaginary world along with my calendar to keep me honest. Should I need a daily reminder to call my father? I am human, so why not. What I can't rely on the universe for is to tell me what to say, or how to act. Without constantly reflecting on the premature pang of loss I felt when the guilt of years of selfishness coupled with the fear of losing him reached an almost irreversible conclusion, I must act in a knowing and thoughtful way. No matter our circumstances or beliefs that is always a possibility.

Pick up the phone, be me, repeat. Every day.

Pat on the back

It means a great deal to me when I hear another mother say how hard things are, how tired she is, or how overextended the family schedule has become. There's a feeling of kinship knowing I am not the only one that doesn't have it all "together". Still, though, it somehow makes me question my own resolve. They have more kids then me - of course they are tired! They commute to work each day, no wonder they struggle to get a great dinner on the table. All those sports they tote the kids around to must be exhausting! What's my excuse? I have one child, work from home, have very few responsibilities that require my time away from my family.... I must be lazy right? Why is it that one moment I can take pride in an accomplishment but in the next split second feel a deep sense of inadequacy? Was I trained this way? Is this something else I should blame on my mother? My commitment to myself this week will be to relish in my accomplishments. Whether it is making a great d...

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." -Oscar Wilde

The night trying too hard almost killed me. The evening started as a success. Thousands of dollars were being spent with each paddle's rise, benefitting a charter school on the island. On the microphone a local, well-liked politician energized the group with his beaming smile and rhythmic descriptions of items up for bid. Wine flowed endlessly, poured by the smiling staff hustling around the tent to ensure glasses remained full. Alcohol is a good fund-raising lubricant. The team of servers kept close watch on our table especially. At our table, their boss, my partner, was keeping close watch on the execution of this important evening. The auction ended and as we all dispersed from our seats to congratulate our table-neighbors on their winnings, my partner approached me quickly. His hand firmly grasped my empty arm (as the other was holding a wine glass) and he told me we were leaving. I was confused at first but as he began to describe the flaws in service he noted during the...

Reach and ye shall find

A week ago I was wavering. I felt like giving up. The practicing of what I was preaching was getting harder. It's not like me to reach out for support, or to make "cries for help" but that's what it finally took for me to keep going. Four days off from running was translated as a sign that I was just done. Maybe the luster was lost and I did what I came to do - so hang up the special foam sneakers and stop making the athletic section the first stop in the department store. It's over. But somewhere in my guts between my heart and my stomach there was still this little twinkle. It was like a little seed of adrenaline remained trying to keep the greater flame alive. But I needed more. So what does any self respecting person do these days when they need a platform to out themselves of whatever shameful thing they can't bare to speak aloud: post it to facebook! One of the few colleagues I happen to be connected with on Facebook answered my call via an email. I...

Un-Balancing Act

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