Un-Balancing Act

I have been there a hand full of times... having a great night out, beverages flowing and big smiles punctuated with glazed eyes all around me. Stumbling up to the bar my eyes squint with the realization the lights have just come on. "Last call!!" I am feeling an internal cocktail of relief and annoyance. Who are these people to say the party is over?? I protest, learning that once the lights are on, there is no bargaining. Somehow I make it home and fall asleep in my dress with one heel on. Before I know what happened my mascara is leaving its mark on my pillow. The next morning I vow never to drink again... until the next night like this one! While memories of mornings like these aren't my proudest moments, they highlight the universal truth that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Sure, the bartender just wanted to close his drawer for the night and go home or have his own fun - but what he really did was let us all know that we didn't need any more drinks. After recently processi...

After the fog of starvation, too much wine, and heartbreak subsided, I began to see my new life without a partner as something very full and rewarding rather than something empty and lonely and hopeless. The fears and insecurities that kept me in a very toxic relationship for eight years disappeared.  No longer bound by the censorship that filtered every twisted reality into something worthy of a thumbs up, the freedom of honesty prevailed and I embraced the truth that I was in complete control of my future. The past was a school, and the future was the gift I gave myself by making the choice to leave. Day by day the new choices I have made with myself in mind have given me freedom. In the past 8 years things that seem mundane to a healthy normal person caused anxiety in me. I was anxious if toward the end of the day my nail polish was chipped and my significant other might arrive home before I had the chance to manicure. Before a hello or a hug, I would hear once again, ...

It was almost 4 months ago now. “The Breakup”. It felt life-shattering, irreversibly damaging, and as bad as any tragedy I had ever experienced. It was dramatic and traumatic. It was something out of a romance turned horror film. It started with a suspicion and ended on vacation. In a blur of nausea, starvation, and sobbing, I spent my last 48 hours in Puerto Vallarta in disbelief, thinking I might die of heartbreak. Four months later while I still feel a sense of loss (mainly of time) I also feel I have gained much more. Maybe it is what I re-gained. The opportunity to be me. The chance to smell roses and meander rather than constantly running. Regaining my self confidence, self control, self worth. Regaining my security. Rediscovering my love for the world and releasing my discontent. As a master of the “all or nothing” method of loving someone, I martyred myself for what I thought was the benefit of my relationship. I blinded myself from any possibility that it would not wor...

It finally happened. I was just foreshadowing a conversation with someone, anticipating the person asking me how I've been and perhaps answering, "I've had a lot of shit going on." It was that statement that caused a lump to rise in my throat. In truth, yes I have had a lot of shit going on. But I handled those things like a champ. Sure I had the momentary meltdowns involving a day in bed and too much wine... But I got up and handled business one thing at a time until I conquered those challenges. Maybe I am quick to respond with the  tale of woe because I normally have a hard time patting myself on the back. It's not often in any situation that I allow myself to reflect on positive results that were solely achieved by my own actions. I think it's time for me to respond more realistically - "there's nothing I can't handle!" Or maybe "real life has its challenges but I'm blessed with the fortitude to conquer them!"  I wil...

I've already admitted to being inconsistent. I can't stay on a diet, don't keep in touch with people, and live in a generally disorganized world of chaos. I like it that way. It's an emotional roller coaster that I simultaneously question and realize I create for myself. Sorry to all of the licensed psychologists that won't be getting my co-pay because that was just too easy for me to figure out on my own! Dare I put in black and white what I am feeling right now? For fear of dooming my mission and sabotaging my goal I have been careful not to say too much. In exactly one week I will embark on a 13.1 mile journey to a very important personal success. This will commemorate not only the emotional and physical challenges I will have overcome to reach this point but also the milestone (pun intended) of completion. I could be awarded with the title of "mom with most ideas and least follow through" or "writer with most unfinished blogs". This momen...

It's the one thing about me that I would change despite my claims that one should not live with a rear view mirror. Just as with this blog I live my life in a flux between consistency and inconsistency. I am always authentic and sometimes more thoughtful than others, but it varies. A few weeks ago someone very beloved to me nearly died. What a reminder of the importance of stating your feelings and gratitude that was! When you have no rear view mirror you can not look back and say how much more you wished you called a person - or how you wish you hadn't wasted time being angry with them. When that person wakes up from their scare, if they do, they will probably only care that you were by their side at that moment. That's probably all you should care about too. It's a new opportunity to look forward. So many people don't get that chance. Because of my self proclaimed lack of consistency I can use this imaginary world along with my calendar to keep me honest. ...

There's a running joke in my house, one maybe only I find funny despite the truth behind it. I take photos of my dogs and food and treetops and child. I change my Facebook status when something comes to mind. I sometimes tweet and sometimes Instagram... And I write this secret blog. I tell my family that I want to be able to look back someday when I forget everything, and see & read those moments I once found worthy of documenting. It can be as normal as a trip to the farmers market. The point is that I see this in my future, forgetting, and I want to be able to feel the normal perfect silly things that filled my daily life.  I've forgotten things on purpose. I've forgotten things accidentally. I have felt ashamed and spiteful. I don't know how I will feel once I really do begin forgetting. Maybe there is something I can do to prevent it though I see it as inevitable. Until then I will continue to fill my activity log with the passing thoughts and likes and ...

I am celebrating a major accomplishment. All of my life I have struggled with completion. College, marriage, books, blogs.... lots of stuff. I have just reached one of the first completion milestones of my life! There are pros and cons to this statement. The pros are the sense of accomplishment, pride, and satisfaction. The con is the realization that this accomplishment took less than 31 minutes. I like to focus on the positive and see this as me turning over a new leaf in adulthood. Last week I reached a goal associated with my new running habit. After many tries, showing up to races and leaving before the gun, running and walking, stopping and starting... I did it: 5K on Thanksgiving morning. It's not a marathon, it's not a triathlon... why do I do that? Why do I stop patting myself in the back only to give myself a lashing for no good reason. I don't suppose I need a trophy simply because I woke up this morning and wasn't a total lazy ass, but where is the fine li...

A week ago I was wavering. I felt like giving up. The practicing of what I was preaching was getting harder. It's not like me to reach out for support, or to make "cries for help" but that's what it finally took for me to keep going. Four days off from running was translated as a sign that I was just done. Maybe the luster was lost and I did what I came to do - so hang up the special foam sneakers and stop making the athletic section the first stop in the department store. It's over. But somewhere in my guts between my heart and my stomach there was still this little twinkle. It was like a little seed of adrenaline remained trying to keep the greater flame alive. But I needed more. So what does any self respecting person do these days when they need a platform to out themselves of whatever shameful thing they can't bare to speak aloud: post it to facebook! One of the few colleagues I happen to be connected with on Facebook answered my call via an email. I...

There isn't that much to juggle. My career is enjoyable, I work from home. I hardly ever put a suit on let alone makeup. I have only one child - really a young man who is old enough to do most things for himself. My partner helps where he can, and I don't even clean my own house. But I am sitting here like a nuclear reactor about to go into the red zone because I can not motivate my child to focus on his school work. We have been through so much together. My delivery can be harsh and can often lack the tenderness I am sure he requires. I am awaiting an evaluation appointment that I wish we didn't need. Not because I am ashamed or disappointed in any way but because I selfishly wish this could be a simple fix that doesn't require him to expose himself, doubt himself, or finally - for me to doubt myself. I don't want my child to think there is something wrong with him however I found myself asking him on more than one recent occasion, "What is wrong with you??...