Butterflies or bees

I've already admitted to being inconsistent. I can't stay on a diet, don't keep in touch with people, and live in a generally disorganized world of chaos. I like it that way. It's an emotional roller coaster that I simultaneously question and realize I create for myself. Sorry to all of the licensed psychologists that won't be getting my co-pay because that was just too easy for me to figure out on my own!

Dare I put in black and white what I am feeling right now? For fear of dooming my mission and sabotaging my goal I have been careful not to say too much. In exactly one week I will embark on a 13.1 mile journey to a very important personal success. This will commemorate not only the emotional and physical challenges I will have overcome to reach this point but also the milestone (pun intended) of completion. I could be awarded with the title of "mom with most ideas and least follow through" or "writer with most unfinished blogs". This moment could represent proof to MYSELF that I am capable of starting AND finishing.

Even typing that last sentence my gut is fluttering and burning... Not just because I woke up too early and am ready for breakfast! It is such an exciting prospect, and yet equally terrifying! I want to focus on those pretty little butterflies and the very good likelihood that I will be celebrating with champagne and Epsom salts next week... but my pattern of self destruction is instead reliving the nightmares of being in the bathroom when the race starts or deciding to stop midway through. The real possibility of race day anxiety leaves me feeling I could show up and walk away like I have many times before. Not this time with my accountability partners and life partner cheering me on... Not this time with all the pressure... Not this time with the real potential of having one of the greatest feelings of accomplishment in my adult life. Not this time because I am doing this for me.

Whether they be butterflies fluttering with excitement or been buzzing with fear I can do this. I will.

He Had A Fast Car

I often remember driving in his car. The speed and the teenaged love intoxicated me. A nylon seat belt created an embrace across my heart, connecting me to the steel of the car. My body heated, clinging to the seat in acceleration, then jerking with each intentional shift. I watched his hands which were usually divided between the steering wheel and the shifter. I watched his legs covered in faded Levi jeans marching with the rhythm of the clutch and gas. It was a Nissan Sentra. There wasn’t a place I didn’t want to go in that car. Freedom. To Blockbuster we went, for the latest in VHS entertainment. We watched movies sitting close with our innocent flesh radiating through clothes purchased for us by our mothers. At my house we had company - siblings and parents depending on the movie choice and time of night. At his house we watched in a private basement. I remember there, being secluded with just the light of the tv and our young love, we often became distracted during movies. The m

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." -Oscar Wilde

The night trying too hard almost killed me. The evening started as a success. Thousands of dollars were being spent with each paddle's rise, benefitting a charter school on the island. On the microphone a local, well-liked politician energized the group with his beaming smile and rhythmic descriptions of items up for bid. Wine flowed endlessly, poured by the smiling staff hustling around the tent to ensure glasses remained full. Alcohol is a good fund-raising lubricant. The team of servers kept close watch on our table especially. At our table, their boss, my partner, was keeping close watch on the execution of this important evening. The auction ended and as we all dispersed from our seats to congratulate our table-neighbors on their winnings, my partner approached me quickly. His hand firmly grasped my empty arm (as the other was holding a wine glass) and he told me we were leaving. I was confused at first but as he began to describe the flaws in service he noted during the

#onwardandupward

It was almost 4 months ago now. “The Breakup”. It felt life-shattering, irreversibly damaging, and as bad as any tragedy I had ever experienced. It was dramatic and traumatic. It was something out of a romance turned horror film. It started with a suspicion and ended on vacation. In a blur of nausea, starvation, and sobbing, I spent my last 48 hours in Puerto Vallarta in disbelief, thinking I might die of heartbreak. Four months later while I still feel a sense of loss (mainly of time) I also feel I have gained much more. Maybe it is what I re-gained. The opportunity to be me. The chance to smell roses and meander rather than constantly running. Regaining my self confidence, self control, self worth. Regaining my security. Rediscovering my love for the world and releasing my discontent. As a master of the “all or nothing” method of loving someone, I martyred myself for what I thought was the benefit of my relationship. I blinded myself from any possibility that it would not wor

Un-Balancing Act

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