There isn't that much to juggle. My career is enjoyable, I work from home. I hardly ever put a suit on let alone makeup. I have only one child - really a young man who is old enough to do most things for himself. My partner helps where he can, and I don't even clean my own house. But I am sitting here like a nuclear reactor about to go into the red zone because I can not motivate my child to focus on his school work. We have been through so much together. My delivery can be harsh and can often lack the tenderness I am sure he requires. I am awaiting an evaluation appointment that I wish we didn't need. Not because I am ashamed or disappointed in any way but because I selfishly wish this could be a simple fix that doesn't require him to expose himself, doubt himself, or finally - for me to doubt myself. I don't want my child to think there is something wrong with him however I found myself asking him on more than one recent occasion, "What is wrong with you??"
I am so frustrated, so overwhelmed, so out of my league. There is nothing I can't handle - I tell people. Well there is this. and how do I take responsibility for the way he is now, for the blank stare or silence, for my own reactions and explosions. My throat actually hurts right now from yelling and it makes me feel so ashamed. I made this choice to allow him to attend virtual school from home. Why did I do it? Why not just let him go to a regular school? Is it really because I don't think it's good for him, I don't know!? I am not even sure that I am allowed to have a meltdown like this when I am supposed to be the one keeping things moving forward in a good direction. How can you constantly put on a smile and act positive when you have a child that carries a dark heavy gloomy cloud over his head? How do I remove the cloud? I truly hope this evaluation will work and will try to trust the system. He has every right to be sad about his terrible father and his own circumstances. I was always taught to do better and be positive to spite the negative circumstances. How have I failed so terribly at helping him move forward.
I am so frustrated, so overwhelmed, so out of my league. There is nothing I can't handle - I tell people. Well there is this. and how do I take responsibility for the way he is now, for the blank stare or silence, for my own reactions and explosions. My throat actually hurts right now from yelling and it makes me feel so ashamed. I made this choice to allow him to attend virtual school from home. Why did I do it? Why not just let him go to a regular school? Is it really because I don't think it's good for him, I don't know!? I am not even sure that I am allowed to have a meltdown like this when I am supposed to be the one keeping things moving forward in a good direction. How can you constantly put on a smile and act positive when you have a child that carries a dark heavy gloomy cloud over his head? How do I remove the cloud? I truly hope this evaluation will work and will try to trust the system. He has every right to be sad about his terrible father and his own circumstances. I was always taught to do better and be positive to spite the negative circumstances. How have I failed so terribly at helping him move forward.