What Am I Hoping To Gain?

5 months ago when I set out to accomplish what seemed like a simple fitness task, I blatantly proclaimed that "it's not like I want to run in an organized event or anything." The routine seemed mundane at first, a boring repetition of short jogs on the same route. I tried to fast forward and failed because there's clearly a method behind the plan. There was a time I laid in a hospital bed feeling sorry for myself because the feeling of being paralyzed made me long for the ability to accomplish something I felt would be impossible for my body to tolerate. Shame on me for taking that moment of clarity for granted by forgetting it so quickly once I could use my legs again. So I got my partner involved and we went from "Couch to 5k" in the prescribed 8 weeks.

I cursed and cried, almost bitter about my own ability to perform such a task burning inside with the frustration of the challenge and fear of failure. But when the clock ticked at the 8 week mark I lifted my head and a weird sense of pride tickled me right in the middle of my chest where I feel love and pain and desire to do things that might make me curse and cry. I don't have an item on my bucket list that involves becoming a marathoner but I really like that sense of pride - it feels pretty good. So here we go from Couch to 5k to 10k... I am still an angry runner with my head down in determination to finish as my partner has observed.

It's not whether or not I can do it or not, but what am I chasing? What am I hoping to gain? Fitness, mental clarity, medals... nope... just that tickle. It's a little reminder that I CAN. Even when it is hard I can do whatever I lean forward in determination to accomplish.

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." -Oscar Wilde

The night trying too hard almost killed me. The evening started as a success. Thousands of dollars were being spent with each paddle's rise, benefitting a charter school on the island. On the microphone a local, well-liked politician energized the group with his beaming smile and rhythmic descriptions of items up for bid. Wine flowed endlessly, poured by the smiling staff hustling around the tent to ensure glasses remained full. Alcohol is a good fund-raising lubricant. The team of servers kept close watch on our table especially. At our table, their boss, my partner, was keeping close watch on the execution of this important evening. The auction ended and as we all dispersed from our seats to congratulate our table-neighbors on their winnings, my partner approached me quickly. His hand firmly grasped my empty arm (as the other was holding a wine glass) and he told me we were leaving. I was confused at first but as he began to describe the flaws in service he noted during the...

Reach and ye shall find

A week ago I was wavering. I felt like giving up. The practicing of what I was preaching was getting harder. It's not like me to reach out for support, or to make "cries for help" but that's what it finally took for me to keep going. Four days off from running was translated as a sign that I was just done. Maybe the luster was lost and I did what I came to do - so hang up the special foam sneakers and stop making the athletic section the first stop in the department store. It's over. But somewhere in my guts between my heart and my stomach there was still this little twinkle. It was like a little seed of adrenaline remained trying to keep the greater flame alive. But I needed more. So what does any self respecting person do these days when they need a platform to out themselves of whatever shameful thing they can't bare to speak aloud: post it to facebook! One of the few colleagues I happen to be connected with on Facebook answered my call via an email. I...

Even Tall Pines Are Temporary

I went outside to sit for a while and stare at the tall pines out back. Word is they may come down soon and I will miss them. The thing about these gorgeous trees is that they are such a threat under the wrong conditions. But then again, isn’t everything. Tall longleaf pines are a key ingredient to the magic potion of this beautiful landscape in Northwest Florida. Their lives seem to be one big growth spurt. They grow from skinny little twigs to what appears as a statuesque and sturdy trunked monument in just a few years. Lining the byways of this region are generations of these trees. Driving past their forests, sunlight peeks through slivers of talk barky stalks. I am reminded of a hand drawn flip book. Each glimpse between the trees depicts the next drawing, flipping quickly to show this living scenery. At the top of this frame, wider gaps allow a peek at what lies beyond - sun, water, sky. The bottom of this frame is cluttered with new growth from a rich earth rejuvenated by p...

Un-Balancing Act

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