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What Am I Hoping To Gain?

5 months ago when I set out to accomplish what seemed like a simple fitness task, I blatantly proclaimed that "it's not like I want to run in an organized event or anything." The routine seemed mundane at first, a boring repetition of short jogs on the same route. I tried to fast forward and failed because there's clearly a method behind the plan. There was a time I laid in a hospital bed feeling sorry for myself because the feeling of being paralyzed made me long for the ability to accomplish something I felt would be impossible for my body to tolerate. Shame on me for taking that moment of clarity for granted by forgetting it so quickly once I could use my legs again. So I got my partner involved and we went from "Couch to 5k" in the prescribed 8 weeks.

I cursed and cried, almost bitter about my own ability to perform such a task burning inside with the frustration of the challenge and fear of failure. But when the clock ticked at the 8 week mark I lifted my head and a weird sense of pride tickled me right in the middle of my chest where I feel love and pain and desire to do things that might make me curse and cry. I don't have an item on my bucket list that involves becoming a marathoner but I really like that sense of pride - it feels pretty good. So here we go from Couch to 5k to 10k... I am still an angry runner with my head down in determination to finish as my partner has observed.

It's not whether or not I can do it or not, but what am I chasing? What am I hoping to gain? Fitness, mental clarity, medals... nope... just that tickle. It's a little reminder that I CAN. Even when it is hard I can do whatever I lean forward in determination to accomplish.

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