Sometimes I look back on a very successful (thus far) career path, with a slightly more bumpy family history, and the jumbled disaster that makes me a truly mental and emotional wreck, and I wonder how I could have made things different. I'm not saying I necessarily would have or regret the way things are, but I do torture myself with the "if this then that" game on a daily basis.
If I would have done all my homework in elementary school, would the rest of my school years have been easier for me? Would I have done better in my high school subjects, had more discipline and gone to a better college? Would I have finished college? Then I fast forward to where I am, and evaluate whether or not I would have chosen a different career. I don't think I would have, but I did not find this one on purpose. Therefore I suppose I should be thankful I didn't do all my homework in elementary school... a split second in my crazy head!
Then there are those "falling down" moments when I have something burning in my gut and I really want to say it... something piercing but life changing. There are things that remain unsaid that just get brushed under the un-medicated psychosis of a rug in my brain, continuing to feed the fire. I call it a test of emotional will. A more serious game of mind over matter than just fighting off a cold. I know if I would have just said the words, the temporary stress and pain would be overcome by long term relief. Martyr syndrome.
It means a great deal to me when I hear another mother say how hard things are, how tired she is, or how overextended the family schedule has become. There's a feeling of kinship knowing I am not the only one that doesn't have it all "together". Still, though, it somehow makes me question my own resolve. They have more kids then me - of course they are tired! They commute to work each day, no wonder they struggle to get a great dinner on the table. All those sports they tote the kids around to must be exhausting! What's my excuse? I have one child, work from home, have very few responsibilities that require my time away from my family.... I must be lazy right? Why is it that one moment I can take pride in an accomplishment but in the next split second feel a deep sense of inadequacy? Was I trained this way? Is this something else I should blame on my mother? My commitment to myself this week will be to relish in my accomplishments. Whether it is making a great d...