Sometimes I look back on a very successful (thus far) career path, with a slightly more bumpy family history, and the jumbled disaster that makes me a truly mental and emotional wreck, and I wonder how I could have made things different. I'm not saying I necessarily would have or regret the way things are, but I do torture myself with the "if this then that" game on a daily basis.
If I would have done all my homework in elementary school, would the rest of my school years have been easier for me? Would I have done better in my high school subjects, had more discipline and gone to a better college? Would I have finished college? Then I fast forward to where I am, and evaluate whether or not I would have chosen a different career. I don't think I would have, but I did not find this one on purpose. Therefore I suppose I should be thankful I didn't do all my homework in elementary school... a split second in my crazy head!
Then there are those "falling down" moments when I have something burning in my gut and I really want to say it... something piercing but life changing. There are things that remain unsaid that just get brushed under the un-medicated psychosis of a rug in my brain, continuing to feed the fire. I call it a test of emotional will. A more serious game of mind over matter than just fighting off a cold. I know if I would have just said the words, the temporary stress and pain would be overcome by long term relief. Martyr syndrome.
It was almost 4 months ago now. “The Breakup”. It felt life-shattering, irreversibly damaging, and as bad as any tragedy I had ever experienced. It was dramatic and traumatic. It was something out of a romance turned horror film. It started with a suspicion and ended on vacation. In a blur of nausea, starvation, and sobbing, I spent my last 48 hours in Puerto Vallarta in disbelief, thinking I might die of heartbreak. Four months later while I still feel a sense of loss (mainly of time) I also feel I have gained much more. Maybe it is what I re-gained. The opportunity to be me. The chance to smell roses and meander rather than constantly running. Regaining my self confidence, self control, self worth. Regaining my security. Rediscovering my love for the world and releasing my discontent. As a master of the “all or nothing” method of loving someone, I martyred myself for what I thought was the benefit of my relationship. I blinded myself from any possibility that it would not wor...