Warily I write this, knowing that an outright commitment to something usually results in a blatantly self destructive rebellion on my own part. A January 1st New Year's Resolution typically ends in a January 2nd protest against resolutions. Vowing to lose 10 pounds becomes a gain of 5; Getting organized results in living in chaos... you get the jist.
Something feels different now. It's not the usual resentment for the soccer moms that always have makeup on and know how to make a wreath from scratch. I am over the longing to have some sort of Martha Stewart meets Heidi Klum expectation for myself. Don't get me wrong I totally believe in setting the bar high, but recently I realized that I was always so busy trying to find something wrong with myself COMPARED to everything else, that I forgot all the things I loved about myself. Some doctor told me that my reason for being scatterbrained and disorganized was possibly Adult ADD and gave me some prescription. Sorry pharmacy, but you can restock that one because as far as I am concerned my biggest flaw, while frustrating at times, is something I embrace. It took several life changers I guess. Always the control freak martyr it's easier to take the blame or try to figure out how I messed something up than releasing the reigns to the true culprit.
So I am proclaiming it loud and proud. I'm a little crazy, not a good housekeeper, and my weight fluctuates - but I am ok with it. When I want to I can have control, but when I am tired I can release it. I feel like I just grew up and now my real life is about to begin.
It means a great deal to me when I hear another mother say how hard things are, how tired she is, or how overextended the family schedule has become. There's a feeling of kinship knowing I am not the only one that doesn't have it all "together". Still, though, it somehow makes me question my own resolve. They have more kids then me - of course they are tired! They commute to work each day, no wonder they struggle to get a great dinner on the table. All those sports they tote the kids around to must be exhausting! What's my excuse? I have one child, work from home, have very few responsibilities that require my time away from my family.... I must be lazy right? Why is it that one moment I can take pride in an accomplishment but in the next split second feel a deep sense of inadequacy? Was I trained this way? Is this something else I should blame on my mother? My commitment to myself this week will be to relish in my accomplishments. Whether it is making a great d...