Warily I write this, knowing that an outright commitment to something usually results in a blatantly self destructive rebellion on my own part. A January 1st New Year's Resolution typically ends in a January 2nd protest against resolutions. Vowing to lose 10 pounds becomes a gain of 5; Getting organized results in living in chaos... you get the jist.
Something feels different now. It's not the usual resentment for the soccer moms that always have makeup on and know how to make a wreath from scratch. I am over the longing to have some sort of Martha Stewart meets Heidi Klum expectation for myself. Don't get me wrong I totally believe in setting the bar high, but recently I realized that I was always so busy trying to find something wrong with myself COMPARED to everything else, that I forgot all the things I loved about myself. Some doctor told me that my reason for being scatterbrained and disorganized was possibly Adult ADD and gave me some prescription. Sorry pharmacy, but you can restock that one because as far as I am concerned my biggest flaw, while frustrating at times, is something I embrace. It took several life changers I guess. Always the control freak martyr it's easier to take the blame or try to figure out how I messed something up than releasing the reigns to the true culprit.
So I am proclaiming it loud and proud. I'm a little crazy, not a good housekeeper, and my weight fluctuates - but I am ok with it. When I want to I can have control, but when I am tired I can release it. I feel like I just grew up and now my real life is about to begin.
It was almost 4 months ago now. “The Breakup”. It felt life-shattering, irreversibly damaging, and as bad as any tragedy I had ever experienced. It was dramatic and traumatic. It was something out of a romance turned horror film. It started with a suspicion and ended on vacation. In a blur of nausea, starvation, and sobbing, I spent my last 48 hours in Puerto Vallarta in disbelief, thinking I might die of heartbreak. Four months later while I still feel a sense of loss (mainly of time) I also feel I have gained much more. Maybe it is what I re-gained. The opportunity to be me. The chance to smell roses and meander rather than constantly running. Regaining my self confidence, self control, self worth. Regaining my security. Rediscovering my love for the world and releasing my discontent. As a master of the “all or nothing” method of loving someone, I martyred myself for what I thought was the benefit of my relationship. I blinded myself from any possibility that it would not wor...